Pensacola

It's such a joy being 3.5 hours away from the beautiful beaches of Florida! I haven't been using my camera much lately, but I brought it along to Florida this past weekend. I decided my new favorite thing to photograph is children--they are so photogenic without even trying. There's just an effortless joy that constantly shows in the photos.

Self-hatred

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of attending a "Resilience: Strength through Compassion and Connection" conference. It was a two-day event consisting of workshops, videos, lectures, meals, etc. And at the end of the second day, the Dalai Lama spoke to us. He's such a humble and great man with an infectious laugh and although I'm not a part of his religion, I wholeheartedly believe in many of his teachings.

One of the most striking things I learned was from a speaker who was referencing a past conference with the Dalai Lama. She said that during the conference, someone had asked, "What do we do about self-hatred?" His Holiness's translator was trying the best he could to translate the question for him, but in the Tibetan language they have no word for "self-hatred." When the translator finally got the basis of the question across, the Dalai Lama started to cry. He couldn't understand how anyone could hate themselves.He couldn't grasp the idea of a culture of people who despised themselves.

I know our culture pushes us into perfectionism and satisfying others but since I heard about the Dalai Lama's reaction to self-hatred, it really has made me notice how much of our time is spent critiquing ourselves. I think it's healthy to strive to do a better job in some areas, but I think it's so unhealthy to continuously be down on ourselves about appearances and self-worth.

Since the conference I've caught myself saying things that I'm not proud of, but that I don't even think about before saying them. Just yesterday I was at the grocery store and I was talking about wanting to eat healthier because "I just want to be skinny." Not because it was healthier, or because I wouldn't feel as tired, but just because I wanted to be skinny. I think that's pretty pathetic. Also, yesterday I made a silly little mistake and I mumbled "I'm stupid." I hadn't realized I said it until my boyfriend responded, "No. You're smart, intelligent, and beautiful." And I couldn't believe what I had just nonchalantly said.

It's so sad to me how much we constantly put ourselves down, and sometimes need others to pick us back up. It's like we need reassurance from others that we're good enough, when we should already know that we are.

Just the other day I was reading something online that was a letter from a dad to his baby daughter. In the letter he said he was looking at top Google searches around the world, and one was "How to keep him interested." In the letter he told his daughter that if she had to strive to be good enough, the man wasn't for her, because just being herself should be good enough for someone who loved her.

It really disgusted me that so many people think that they have to strive to be "good enough" for someone else and that they have to work to keep someone interested. Compatibility and love are diminished by these concepts and it's sad to see society taking this downturn.

I'm not going to make this into a preachy and cliche post by saying "You're good enough by just being you!" I'm just going to say it makes me sad knowing that self-hatred is so prominent in our society and it makes me envy the cultures that can't even grasp the concept of self-hatred--the cultures that are constantly content with who they are.

Update

I've seriously been slacking these days on the blog posts, and it's definitely not because there's nothing to talk about. It's mainly because there's too much to talk about and I've been too busy living and loving life. I also usually write my blog posts during the day at work, and work has been superbly busy lately. But I have a few minutes to write, and I'm taking full advantage of it. So this is mainly a "what's been going on" post, so I apologize to anyone who clicked on the link hoping to read a profound story. Next time.

My year with UNITY is quickly coming to an end, and it's bittersweet. I'm ready to see what the next chapter of my life brings me, but I'm sad to leave an agency I've been working with for so long. As most of you have probably already figured out, I've decided to stay in New Orleans at the conclusion of my Americorps year. I've fallen in love with the city, and I've happily been living with my boyfriend on the other side of the Mississippi in a great little neighborhood. The commute to and from work everyday into the city was a bit of a hassle on public transportation, but last week I became a car owner! I couldn't be happier, and despite Steve's initial fear in the car with me as a driver, I've been navigating the potholes and one-way streets of New Orleans quite well if I do say so myself. I also needed to learn how to pump gas--sort of. I have yet to do it entirely on my own, but my tank is a little below halfway now, so the time is coming. I'm so sad to have to cross off one of the crucial "Never have I ever's" off of my list--I used to always get people with that one.

I'm also going to take this time to show off our awesome new landscaping in the front of our house. Since Steve bought his house he's been looking for things to do with his front yard, and it's shaping up pretty nicely. He decided to build a garden box out front and let Aurora and I choose the plants that went into it. I couldn't tell you the names of any flowers, but I can tell you that they're all really pretty. At the center of the box is also the cutest little willow tree I've ever seen, and it's starting to grow a lot recently, so I'm super excited. It also has a gorgeously painted gnome that Steve's father sent him, and I'm thinking he's loving his new environment. He looks very happy.

And since I was on a landscaping high, I decided all I wanted in life was to build the cutest pond in the backyard equipped with a waterfall and fish and flowers and rocks and EVERYTHING. It was going to be beautiful. I had photos picked out and everything. And then I found out that building a pond is freaking expensive, and I'm freaking broke. So that dream was quickly put on hold. I also had the dream of getting a dragon, because I want to be exactly like Daenerys Targaryen. Although slightly unrealistic, I was persistent in getting a dragon, so Steve suggested a bearded dragon. I was so ready to go buy one, and then he explained to me that I would have to breed cockroaches and feed the dragon 3-4 roaches a day. Needless to say that dream quickly died too.

So I came up with an alternative to keep me occupied. Steve has been teaching me about his terrarium hobby, and I never thought about building one myself. But on Sunday we went to an orchid show at a local mall and I fell in love with a little fairy garden set, and I decided, "Hey, I want to build a terrarium." So I bought some really beautiful plants and the set, and the remainder of the the afternoon was spent with me building mine, and him building his fancy one.

I'm semi in love with it, and now all I want to do is buy every miniature garden piece ever created. BUT the best part about my terrarium is that it's equipped with a baby pond--so I get to have my pond! It's just a very small, less expensive version of my real life pond dream. But I still love it just as much, if not more, than I would have if it were in the back yard.

Speaking of hobbies, I've also started drawing more. I took a while off, because i never made time for it, but last month I bought some supplies at Michael's. So, to keep myself occupied when Steve and Rory are playing video games, I draw. It's such a great stress reliever, and although time consuming, it's well worth it. It's hard to explain how good it feels to have a finished product in front of you after hours of trying to perfect each line. It's been very self-fulfilling and I didn't realize how much I missed it until I started it again. I also recently designed a tattoo for my brother and dad's wife, so if anyone needs a tattoo designed, let me know :)

ALSO, last but not least, I can't forget to mention that Ian Appow came to visit! And although it was only for about 48 hours, it was such a good visit! We brought him to the French Quarter for a muffaletta, gumbo, hand grenades, crawfish, and of course, live jazz music! Such a wonderful visit.

So that's what's been going on the past two or three weeks. I know it doesn't sound like the usual partying Cat, constantly equipped with a bottle of whiskey and living life at such a fast pace. But believe me, I still enjoy my whiskey. I'm just living at a slower pace and soaking in everything life has to offer me, and my happiness is so genuine and real right now. I'm also 26 pounds less from the lack of beer and alcohol! So that's a plus. Until next time... love you all.